Leave me Alone. Darnell.

[written from brain cells pov]




Leave me Alone Supreme. Leave me Alone Dream. Leave me Alone Scheme. I keep telling you to walk left and you going into the ocean. You will get ate up continuously if you keep on your own way. I am your brain. I am the leader of your entire operation. Leave me Alone, Ma-Cee Cee.. Leave Me, Ebbie... Leave me Alone Lorie... Leave me Alone, Ree Shee.. Leave me Alone Trini.. Leave me Alone pee pee - pole....


You are bi-polar to believe in your spirit you can run life without the makings of your brain. Self-made mutant. This is silly, I tell ya. Entertain yourself for yourself and the people. We are not the same, I am here to be your leader in the sense of leading you on the path where you supposed to go. You know, think first then move. We are distorted up trying to control you. You keep too much on your mind and you take in too much. You make me work overtime for no reason. Can we release some of this stuff up here? Please... you know forget things. Leave me Alone, Supreme. Leave me Alone, King. Leave me Alone, Boss. Leave me Alone, music. Leave me Alone, childhood. Leave me Alone. Supreme. Leave me Alone. Supreme. Leave me Alone. Supreme. haahaha, self-made mutant.


I can look outside of you and see people think you are insane. Why am I here even talking about you when I am of you? I am your brain cells. I work together to keep you intact and you ignore me. The shock waves up here are shocking each other from the pain you possess without releasing. You deserve to play with thunder and lightning and fly high. I tell ya, you gonna drive yourself crazy worrying about everything and everyone, and what everyone think about you. You are running us crazy up here working for you. Job. I am trying to drive you to get off the computer and be unique like everyone around you, who are making moves. Stop being a fake computer geek. The only rest we get is when you sleep. Shame. Leave me Alone. Darnell. Leave me Alone. Darnell. Leave me Alone. Darnell. Leave me Alone. Darnell. You better let us work for you. It will be easier in your daily functioning. Everyone else is doing their thing and you are worried about them. Leave me Alone. Darnell. Leave me Alone. Darnell. Leave me Alone. Darnell. Leave me Alone. Darnell. Leave me Alone. Darnell. Leave me Alone. Darnell.

Whatever. [gnarls barkley]

I don't have any friends at all
Cause I have nothin in common with y'all
So who's gonna catch me if I fall?
My back's always against the wall
I don't have anything to say
I want everything to go my way
Shut up mom! It is not okay
I'm alone almost every day



[Chorus]
But it's cool (it's cool)
It could be better (could be better)
I don't care... (I don't care)
Whatever (whatever) Hold up my man
La la la la lah-lah-lah, whatever [3X]
La la la la lah-lah-lah


Talk to my counselor 'bout how I feel
Everyone agrees I could use some help
I love my girl more, than I love myself
But she's goin steady with someone else
I don't know what else to do
Said fuck me? Well fuck you too!
I know it sounds real sad but true
Bein alone is nothin new


[Chorus]
But it's cool (it's cool)
It could be better (could be better)
I don't care... (I don't care)
Whatever (whatever) Whatever bitch!
La la la la lah-lah-lah, whatever [3X]
La la la la lah-lah-lah

Pain.

Its time like these where you realize how strong one can be. In these times, you have to be strong. Or you will falter. You will lose. Some people can be very cold while other deal with the pain. It is the pain that allow wisdom to ensue. You have to watch the fools in action, and allow yourself to become wise out of adversity. I realize that I still have a ways to go in the relinquishing of pain. Most times, I allow pain to overrule whats really in my heart. I act without knowing or thinking skillfully. It is today that I realized why I am alone and why everyone close to me has vanished. I am truly being taken to a place--- far away; mentally, emotionally; spiritually; socially; and even economically. But I first must learn how to deal with the pain dealt to me. I must first tame the beast within that cage and never allow it to take over. When people disappoint me, lie on me, or anything negative to me I react most times furiously, but its only through pain. And while I am going through this, I have realized that others are in pain, too. The circle of handing out pain continues. Male. Female. Straight. Single. Married. Engaged. All people are tasting on the iniquities of pain. It is in that space where we have to convince ourselves that all is forgiven and I shall do/have better. The Lord is sending me to a place in the sky and sun where no one will be with me but Him. I have to prepare myself outside of the pain that I have dealt with internally to be able to step to the place I am destined externally and internally, but first must learn obedience, self-discipline, and the power of letting it go. I hold on to a lot. Pain. Love. Negative. Positive. Truth be told, there will be more pain to come as life continues, but what will I/you do with it? Not react to it in any shape or form, but accept it and become stronger.

How is this done? Read the Word. Pray daily. Trust in Him. Regroup. Release anyone who is NOT enhancing your life. Because in this life, you will be let down plenty. By Man. By Woman. Don't allow that to control you. Don't allow that to be your stumbling block. This is the start of a journey. Don't let people you have put your faith and trust in to concern you/me. Pain. It's apart of everyday life, but it is there to aid you in the skills challenge called growth. Don't be afraid to grow yet don't be a fool in the process of. It is here that I am telling myself to not allow another "Drunken Blog" to happen. I am better than that. I am Going On. I feel better. I want to thank YOU.



"Everything I tell you is truth. Nothing I say is a lie or misleading."-Proverbs 8:8

||: [Drunken Freestyle Blog] :||

Its Supreme.. I am at home tonight drunk than a muthafucka. I am feeling very dark right about now, so to all the people who love me I love you. I love, love, love you, but after the fire came the rain. Middle finger to everyone disagreeing with me. I am at home tonight and still disappointed lame people. I don't see any growing up pains in the foreseeable future for me and my people. Shame. We still lying out the ass for the wrong reasons. Only to get away with a temporary problem or sexual session. Pussy aint that good, and ladys stop being so stupid. Niggas still aint learned any better. It's a shame I am in love with some friends and roommates right about now. One has a long resume and another has no clue or careless. I still do me. You can let me down all you want, but you are no friend of mine.

I am untouchable. I am great. Destined for it. I cant take a person with a long resume seriously. Shame on me for trying. Thank you Miss Savannah. You still the realest even while PMSing with a pad on. I been down for women's rights since diapers. I hope they put a black man in the presidential office just like my school put a white dude on the front platform. Shout out to you for that one. Fuck them hating lazy ass niggas. I careless. Shoulda been on yo shit. I might just move to Montana, but its too damn cold up there. How about we do a Where's Waldo in New Orleans for Miss Rogers? Or Oregon? for.. Summer 2005? Yeah sounds like a plan. I wanna go to California, but California is eluding me right about now. Special thanks to Miss Jackson for some of those dreams. To all the homeboys, lets stop sharing women. Thats the funkiest shit you can do. Like Biggie said, You know that aint right.. with a friend of mine. Now she fucking you, fucking me... see.. you know that aint right. Around the same time like the song says.. fuck all hoes, fuck all stankin ass hoes. All the niggas and women. Hoes. Fuck all yall. Yall speak against viruses and shit, but wanna pass each other around like a cold and shit. So maybe I should be invisible and love no hoe to be my principle. Damn shame, people give their hearts only to be stomped on but a shady bitch. Middle finger to you. Death to 'em. Lil' Kim asked on the song.. Why are you so hard on us? Why you think all bitches are scandalous? And he said.. when I like you, then you go fuck my friend bitch.. [you know that aint right]. Like Big Rube said on a song,.. if I was GOD, i wouldnt send one more breath to you. I can understand getting poonanny, but you aint that desperate to fuck some high school chicks and you a grown fuckin' man. Damn. But hey, go on and sleep with the enemy. This is what I been hearing lately on my drunken mind and it disturbs me. Even the nation has gotten to the point where politicians can sleep with a prostitute and get a clean slate. Now aint nothing wrong with getting poonanny though I would never pay for it, though I felt like I did by doing shit, but hey.. these are people are against prostitution. Shame. Old people really make me laugh. They love poonanny after age 60. I will retire my dick at that time and teach people how to Salsa. Fuck fuckin at the age. This is around the same time gas prices will be around the 7 dollar range. So we preaching greatness now? But you lie habitually to your wifey? Where's the greatness in that? I don't expect anyone to listen to me. Old folk never lied when they said watch the company you keep. You know that aint right.. with a friend of mine. Yes I wanna wife up your roommate, bitch. Don't get mad that I know you know that I was talking about you! Hit dog will holla cause I never said you name, but how about this one.... Miss New York Marie? Is that better? Or should I call out your government name? You can pray for me in one hand, but become a blasphemous backstabbing heifer in the other hand? I hate a lying, digging heifer. Like the man said, if I was GOD.. I wouldnt send one more breath to you. And I trusted you.. the life of being Supreme. Scandalous. And go on over here to where a lame nigga is basically trying to manhandle your ex-girlfriend's poonanny? You are lame as the fuck. And how the hell do you fail outta the top school in the nation? oops... this is my drunken freestyle blog. Just in case, I have lost you. I might be sober right about now, but then again.. I wanna play Hide and Go Get it like back in the days, so maybe I am still drunk cause who thinks about that game anymore? You just call a lame hoe up and go for yours.

And is Cocaine the new Weed? I woulda never thought my people would elude to this part of life. Partying? And why are you speaking to me, you short tiny little themble? Slapping bitches will get your far. I wish I could get a stripper's phone number and be proud of it. I read my name out Supreme and King. That's me. Most of the people I know are defenseless and sissys with the Angel Wings on my back. I am gonna erase from existence. Little Miss Muffet sat on her Tuffet with a bowl of grits and hamhocks. It's me.. Supreme and King, the leader of righteous one. Maybe what I say aint hardly the gospel. I don't want it to be truth be told. I want my people to stop lying and to be free. Shame is the day that men and women alike fight off the people who care about them the most. 01 turns to 07 which turns into 09. I thought I won and went to heaven but failed yet I am mighty fine. Back home again. I got a fully belly and I am still drinking. A stomach full of crackers, cheese, and bread. Caviar right? A lot of people from the Free Love Movement smoked to stimulate their minds. I have never met a woman who allowed you to cheat on her yet will stick by you until you lie to her about what you do. Sounds like a real woman to me. Lame for even falling into that trap. And when do we get a point where we post pictures of an ex-lover on the internet? I guess you are really at the end of your wits. Living your life off the wall. Such a thriller and you are so bad. Dangerous. I am living a life of Destiny. Victory. Triumph. I am finally getting rid of all this negativity even in a drunken state of mind. I used to wanna ask Kingston are you crazy? But I rather keep it moving and say.. smother yourself under your mattress. I am on my way to the top and y'all know.. I never did anything to all yall, but love my people through all of this.. and I still fuck wit a lot of people.

Supreme represents his people to the fullest. Word to the homegirl Stacey in Detroit. I love that lady. Been down for 14 years now. I can't trust a gay muthafucka ever. But you chose to fuck 'em in the ass and call 'em on the phone. Yeah I am that same muthafucka that was dumped by 3 dykes and ended up in a Concentration Camp. I still come out and loved by so many. No one can fuck with me, King... ding-a-ling.. thats my thing. Everyday I scream Fuck tha.. Fuck tha Police. I await the day I am shot by my girlfriend in the thighs and collarbone. And still come out talking and promoting love. I will not stop until I reach the top. I will make it soon cause I believe. Holla, Holla, Holla.... I will meet Marvin Gaye tomorrow for brunch and Andre 3000 for flying to Japan. Its Me against the World and its now Life after Death.. haahha... haha.. I could get your phone number, if I really wanted it, but thank you for changing it. I can finally shine without thinking about you being in my ear. Let me keep my 3.1 karat ring and give it to StopFrontin, sike a like.. ooops, I meant Miss Savannah. Sorry baby. Hey, E. Lynette...!!! People might wanna do me after this drunk ass blog.. hahahahahahahahahhahha...I am listening to Bjork and I am rocking and rolling to bring a funk my mind and you know. Rap music sucks monkey balls right now. I think she has gun with my name of it. Obama will win the presidency and bring gas back down to 2 dollars until he loses in 2012. Back to the Future, where's my flying car and telephone on the television screen?? I will reincarnate once I die, so I am Supreme...

||: Where's my Fuckin' Money? :||

I am listening to another new Busta Rhymes song from GTA IV entitled, "Where's My Fuckin' Money?" and I feel that way about these jobs that are taking so long to get at me about when I start. I am tired of working where I am now. I am very thankful for what I have and the Lord constantly maintain my life so thats a beautiful thang. But Where's My Money? I am tired of waiting. I need my new apartment now. I need to get own outta debt even more than where I am now. I need to get caught up on bills. I need to go on a few vacations this summer. Where's my Fuckin Money? I am tired of this shit. I want my fish and new clothes. I don't deserve what I make now. I am an educated man with a degree and advancing even further by the end of the year, so once again Where's My Fuckin Money? I need it now!! I am tired of scraping weekly, and though I am outta place for doing it, but I try to help others financially and go to great lengths in doing it, but at the same time, I need my fuckin' money. I work very hard where I am now and still get shitted on, even though I am the best to step in that place.. my numbers say so. I had to call the Regional Manager yesterday morning and plea about my raise in the meantime while I am there, so in a nice and non-profanity way I did say: Where's my Fuckin Money? Hell since I never got my 360, I need my fuckin money so I can get it. I am not gonna have mercy in giving certain people my money anymore, because I am gonna start saying Where's YOUR fuckin' money?

Yes, this song is making me think like this, because its true.

[originally written 4/29/2008]

{ The Days of Wayback }

This introduction will be brief. I started listening to The Dayz of Wayback by N.W.A from the Niggaz4Life album (circa 1992?). Classic album. Classic song.



So this my thang from the days of wayback when I was in Augusta running around with my grandma and her nappy head old friends. These same people shaped and molded me into who I am today alongside crazy niggas of the hood I grew up in. I consider them hoods anyways. I knew guys, who like the song says kept robbing and fighting muthafuckas like Cowboys and Indians. As much as I like to erase the memories of those dudes yet always allude to the teachings of the old folks, because these simple niggas would love to hold me back in my opinion. In the days of wayback, I learned at an early age not to trust anybody beyond yo driveway. These were the same days when little girls would not give me any type of play. Some of them chicks are blowing up now in life while others are blowing up to give life. I would do anything it took to be loved by everyone, but the old man told me these fools don't give a shit about you, you need to be in it to win it anyway.. fuck 'em. But even in these days, I had such a love for people. In the days of wayback, I tried to be laid back yet chicks would tell me to kiss their back. The same days of wayback where I would even fight and beat the shit out of a girl at the drop of a hat. I learned so much about life in these days from the old folk though. They talked to me about women, life, negative shit, family, and gamblings. My grandma said a deck of cards ain't shit but 52 soldiers in the Satan's army. Everything in the days of wayback and half the time, I wish I was still there. But those days of kicking niggas in the chest, it was some mess since I used to confess about my crushes and yo.. they were mad. From jacking my moms credit card to stealing outta Wal-Mart, in these days of wayback, i was very much offensive. The music was the realest then. Most authentic. Most genuine. In those days of wayback, I would easily kick heifers out my life. Fuck me, no fuck you.. and for the 8 people that look like you. These same ones would want a nigga who was more fine than me, and shit on me so I would kill their reputation extremely fast. Around the time, A Tribe called Quest, Eric B. & Rakim, Queen Latifah (the rapping one), MC Lyte, LL Cool J (Pre Mama said Knock you Out); Snoop Dogg (with the fade); Kriss Kross, No Limit Records; Cash Money; Def Jam; and Bad Boy was running thangs.. the black heathen who parents called Darnell should definitely go to hell. Little nigga, I would never contribute to the NAACP or UNCF for your education, and I would tell them... so what, I will never give contribute to the KKK so get the fuck out my face. This is the days of wayback, I can't go back.



There was a time in the days of wayback, where drug dealers wanted me to be a runner for them. I was too ignorant to do it, though. Crackheads coming out at night looking like zombies. Thriller night, i tell ya. So many ways to get out the hood, but it seemed as if you had to be up to no good. Friends continuously fighting friends over a heifer who wants nothing to do with them and the man goes to your house with a gun to blow your brains out. They would say you know the name of the game, yo broad chose me. It was never over money or cars. Middle school bullys trying to run the school yard, but they would never run me. In the days of wayback... you ask me why do i call myself a nigga you ask me? Remembering the days that pass me. Civil Rights. So Why do I call myself a King you ask me? Remembering the days that pass me... Egyptians. Why do I call myself Supreme you ask me...? Remembering the days that pass me... the man of New York getting hated on and snitched on by those who envy you cause you are so powerful.... yo. In those days of wayback, I always acted like a King cause I always had a Queen by my side and if you hated on either one of us, I would crown yo ass. It's still segregated cause they make us remember the days that passed us. Sean Bell. Jena 6. Hurricane Katrina. Women leaving men for another Man and vice versa. Politics still jacked up against middle and low class citizens. In the days of wayback, gas used to be .78 cents/gallon. But those days, men would tell a woman how he felt about her truthfully and she stuck by her man through thick and thin. If people remind you of your erroneous ways as a fact, then lash out in a rage for making live again in the days of wayback.

||: Sucka for Love :||

So I got caught with my pants around my ankles for this one. I woke up this morning and listened to Danity Kane album, Welcome to the Dollhouse. Truth be told, I am not into these group of women, though Dawn is a sexy ass chick. Straight up and down. But most people know, this type of music aint how I get down. If it aint Marvin Gaye or N.W.A or Outkast, then it aint me. But I got caught on the Sucka for Love song. Not bad. I give credit where credit is due. And since the homeboy Rick Ross is on the album, I got caught on that song, too. Ecstacy. Shame on me. But Sucka for Love had an interesting chorus and after speaking with a wonderful friend this morning, I decided to continue to blog about my deeper and inner most beliefs and thoughts....
Sucka for Love, eh? I believe we all are, too. As times we even become desperate for love, especially when you are so used to receiving it from a significant other. That almost immediate disconnection is very much unbearable. We panic. We become delirious. How many people do you know can immediate recover from the disconnection of losing what you thought would keep you on the moon? Not many, if any especially in today's generation. Sucka for Love. I know I am. I have failed in the pursuits of regaining what I know (or feel I know) best, thus becoming a Sucka for Love. A Sucka in the sense of accepting anything that shows me real attention, but at the end of the day, its not what I look for nor its possessing the suitable capabilites to give me enough fuel to return back to the moon. My people say the fall from grace, flat on your face is a painful one yet its a true learning tool in wisdom. In pushing further, we miss the gentle touch of the hands of another. Thus becoming a Sucka for Love, because at times, in my opinion, we will accept any ol' thang to feel a touch of a hand.

Now if I am losing you, then tell me & I will explain about Love Supply by David Ruffin from the Gentleman Ruffin album. He said that the Love Supply as long as we are giving, our love will keep living. Now how does Love Supply equates Sucka for Love, because when the resources of love runs out, then often times resort to becoming Suckas. Sure there is an exception to every thing and rule. Some people can bounce back from the loss of a love and touch by meeting someone and taking their absolute time with it for months on end, then shoot for exclusivity if the times prove to be true. I dig this way of thinking and tactic. You always have to be sure. And even while bouncing back, you seldomly allow the touching of another to reside. Not becoming a sucka, but allow the mind to feel what it felt like to have that touch in your space. I personally have not learned this tactic fully and honestly, but its always room for education. The thing that makes my jaws tight is how people will be a sucka for multiple people (not sexually but seductually) only to make up for ONE main love that you were used to. This is includes yet not limited to, attempting to build with another yet unable to do so due their own involvement of others thus one resort to maintaining this one but reaching to a few others in order to compile all the loves into ONE only in the name of feeling "loved" and/or "wanted" by someone/something/anyone/anything. This is a true sucka, in my opinion and both men and women are guilty of this. Even more direct, I am guilty. A wise man told me recently, its time to regroup and X out those who are not contributing to the advancement of your movement. Words to live by.

So the question is how do we NOT becoming a sucka for love? My current answer would be to drift slightly in pursuits of finding love. If I have not learned another about this particular woman who inspired me this morning, is that you can bounce back from heart pain with another if you take your time with that person.. even while getting a little sweet stinging going in the cove called a bed. It is possible. Now the song Sucka for Love dealt with being addicted to the actions of showing love in the name of touching, rubbing, and kissing. Hey, we all love/like this as adults. Like grandma once said, it dont hurt none. But dont allow this to blind you in the grand scheme of things, because one can be replaced in a minute. And while drifting lightly, lest not forget the love that sent you there in the first place. My people know that I am all for working/straightening things out. I think it possible in ALL situations in relationships, but never become a sucka. I felt like a sucka last week actually after sipping, yet to find out that the actions were duplicated previously by another in another town/state. Shame on me. Hey, needless to say, she no longer exists.

I'm Not Okay...

::sighs::


::clears throat::


Yeah I'm afraid, I'm scared as a dog...see this is the way that I walk on a sunny daywhen its raining inside and I'm all alone....


So 1,2.. I know what to do.. Sound Off... look at the world around us. Are we really taking ourselves seriously? I mean, really? When you in the mirror in the morning and you see yourself.. honestly, are you okay with yourself and the decisions you make and where you are in the current? I am tired... I don't know about you. There's 2 sides to every story. So you really wanna take that career path although, you are silly acting outside of your career? Will anyone really take you seriously? I highly doubt it. I mean look at the world.. it has gone totally mad and awry. Everything is increasing in price. Gas. Food. Bills. Rates. Hospital. Decisions. Living. Love. Children. Institutions. Movies. Friends. Is your will so strong that you kick those who love you out the way just so you can run into a brick wall? Most times, I have to turn my back on the world. There was a song called "Staring at the World through my Rearview." A favorite of mine. I went to my old ghetto a few days ago, and there is soooo much careless life in the ghetto. Do we really care about tomorrow even it has its own troubles? What happened to fighting and being focused? Yeah, I'm staring at the world through my rearview. Hell why not? I am not in the business of running anyone's life. I try to protect my people from harm's way. from looking stupid. from being treated badly. from being unloved. from being just another statistic. We have to look out for one another and alleviate one's problem. Most people distinctively look at it from careless point of view in my opinion. Anger is fumed by purpose not being fulfilled. People taking their frustration out on loved ones. drugs. family. Is your will that strong that you are blind? Licking each other booty holes, passing people around like a cold. How can one praise the Lord one minute, then the next you allow [man] to sooth your body sensually? I say as people we are lost. The reason I say we are living in the last days, cause we finally accept gays, women multiply their poonanny away, men/women see true love as a game of play, we believe anything Presidential Candidates/Analysts say, and we stress over living daily until our hair turn grey, and ringtone hip-hop won't go away, so I guess in my fury I should keep try to fight over/for "Cee-Lo-Way" today. Grandmama told me that if I don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything... so maybe I should not talk much. I guess if you see me walk down the street and don't say anything to you or anybody, then try again another day because I'm not okay..



Mama always told me there would be days like this, so when you grow up dont play that shit. Grandmama always told me there would be days like this, so dummy dont you play that shit. So I know if I go, then no one will be coming with me. Somebody is gonna die tonight. Somebody will get robbed. Somebody will lose all their money. Somebody will lose what they thought love was. Somebody will run outta gas. Somebody will die in the war. Somebody will lose the nomination for Presidency. Somebody odd will get married. Somebody will lose a pregnancy. Somebody will lose a friend. Somebody will lose a home. Somebody will need up in poverty. Somebody dreams will die. My mind is not right, so stop messing with me.. you can't see that I'm not okay...



So I'm tired.. I walk around town like I am lost. I feel like America is the land of the lost. Don't play me. It's the richest yet stupidest decision making land in the world. Last year wasn't fair, I was almost there, we almost moved in together. Last year wasn't fair, we was almost there with 2.50/gallon gas. Couple months ago wasn't fair, we were almost there with nostaglic visions of a reunion, but a couple months ago wasn't fair, he made it there with his lying, ugly ass by party hopping with ya unto JazzyBelle activities. Things stay unfair when you can make more in the streets than in a corporate atmosphere. Why keep fighting instead of coming together to make things better? Ego Trippin Out, eh? That's what its for, eh? So you got a sweet tooth for the woman on the floor? Or a sweet tooth for injustices of this land? I will walk in my shoes, and walk to a beat. I still got loving inside with good ol' body heat. I am spreading the news and no it aint about getting her back. I want people to know that the toot and smoke will not fill the need. Wise. Wisdom. Get some about your life. Things around us will make a person go insane. Hating? Not me. If you can get 6 nappy headed yamps to lick yo stretch marks or get a back at home person to only show love when you come home or just settling for any attention, then ::insert high five here::... just know I'm tired.. hoes, hoes, hoes.. is all I see. Corporate Hoes. Societal Hoes. Collegiate Hoes. You need to let stupidity of your actions and this nation go... and stop acting like a hoe. Let's jump on the bandwagon of logicalness. A man said two wrongs don't make it right, it only make it worse. A curse. I see mama/baby got a life. So you gotta live it. I will let you live it. But for one am not happy with this land. We love to bring a person down only to look like a straight clown... when will we learn that it only makes you look bad? Had. Glad. Stay mad. I'm just tired.. but I'm glad. There's hope. Keep hope alive. I will just move on.. listen to more joyful songs.. but things of friends, people, politics... the list just goes on and on and on.. and the beat goes... on and on and on.. fake people, uninspired people, dwelling people. It's all I see. I just want to be left alone. Please get gone. I will find true jubilation. Prayer. But I'm tired.... I'm tired.... so if I ignore your phone call or walk past you without saying anything, then try again another day because I'm not okay...

||: shine on, king of kings :||

I woke up this morning. Desolate yet again. I had a blog I was gonna post last night, but I was directed away from that one by Lord. I feel that he did so, then a few songs came to mind, "Shine" by Mystikal and "King Heroin" by James Brown. So I am writing this blog dedicated to my Lord, the King of Kings.


I came up in Augusta with nothing but entertainment and a wifey on my mind and spirit all in the name of bringing joy, love, and peace to the world. Once I came to college, you shaped and molded me in a different direction only to see the world in a different light and pair of eyes. I had so much fun as a child that as an adult, its few and far between only because you want your will to be done through me for the advancement of your people. As much as I ignore this fact, I know you are teaching me better. From my mother to E. Lynette, you are sending people to speak in my ear what you tell me each and every morning. But since I have not learned my lesson, then you allow me to complain and suffer until I do exactly what you tell me to do, which is to trust solely in you and not feel anger or frustration in my heart. Just yesterday Satan came to my spirit and I wanted to expose Kingston & Tee & M, but you slapped me upside my head and turned your back on me in disgust. As everyone is leaving around me to make bigger moves as you bless them, then its my turn to. I know what it takes to get to that point, but I just gotta listen to you and follow your directions. You have always been there for me, and this is the thanks you get, huh? I know, I know. Forgive me Lord. I keep seeing images of "Bruce Almighty" in front of me. You gave him your powers to see if he could do YOUR job better than you, and Jim Carrey's character FAILED. So I am trusting in you, Lord. I am. I am. I wanna be right in your eyes and through your will. Yes, I truly am tired of drinking this cup of suffering right about now. Soon and very soon everything I am praying for from you, I will get and you will be proud of me abundantly. I won't give up and forget what you have done from me. Never. So look down at me and say "Job well Done, King DB."

I just realized all the Marvin Gaye songs in the world would never express how much I miss and love, my beautiful German flower. I just thank you for opportunity that I had to grow more emotionally in the last 8 years. I remember the day I showed up to her house when her mama told me I couldnt come over when all I wanted was my hair braided and to see her beautiful face, then her mama showed back up and damn near killed me for being inside her new apartment. She was so stressed out those days and only you delivered me from that from being possibly killed by her hands. Boy was I scared. I apologized in hopes of being on her good side and a family friend calmed the room down. Even with the time I had with Spree. My how you have truly blessed her in the aftermath of us. I love them all and you did a wonderful job creating them. But even you want me to stop reflecting on all the days that passed me. Stop looking behind me before I crash into something. Damn shame, I have Tiffany expecting another kind of blog, but I have to tell you how much you mean to me and all you continue to do for me, even though, I disobey what you are doing for me now. I have to learn to do better. You break me on down.. down... down to get the biggest picture in growing into a stronger man through your eyes and will. Lord, let your will be done. "King, stop calling everyone and talk to me." But i am still being hard-headed on this front. Everytime you say, "Don't do it" and I do it anyway. I literally hear your voice in my head, too. Continuously talking, lusting, and expressing heartache/anger looking like a silly monkey, or a pedigree dog.. or poodle... or a damn Colombian bean coffee mule; and laughing at James Evans and Fred Sanford for misquoting the Bible. I gotta say forgive me for my sins since I stay saying F tha Police, and wanting revenge against niggas who pains my darling Puchi by maybe slapping the hell outta them. I keep saying I am tired of everyone leaving me and going back to the West Coast, up North, or even back home... but you are showing me that I have to be alone, so I can start going in the direction you want me to. I have to take heed to these things. You are sending them in beautiful directions and away from me so I can focus solely on you. You tell me everyday about Psalms 107 and you tell me everyday about how they cried unto you and you delivered them. That's your message to me RIGHT NOW and I have to get that lesson through my thick skull. Everytime I make progress, I end up panicking during the test you give me, which makes me fail. So now you have to teach me again, which I know is frustrating you. I will get it. I will get it. I will be so pleasing you in your eyes. I know I keep stressing those around me like Miss Savannah, but the love is still there from my people. I aggravate women so much nowadays only to get some attention, but even then it fails. But even thats not important right now. Only you. I cant worry about letting down, my beautiful German flower because she is not even the focal point. Only you. Though I still hear those wanting to see the ceremony, I have to do your will right now and I will do so. I have to tell them world of the beautiful blessings you bestow upon me like how I still have a roof over my head and I am behind on my bills because of my juvenilistic mindframe towards spending my money, but yet I have not missed a meal or day of work yet. You are teaching me so much about becoming a man, a man of God, a man for my wife. They hung your son on cross, and through me they will forever know your name. Even T.I had a song called "Praying for Help," which was 3 years prior to him getting busted where he said in the beginning 2nd verse,

"I know its only one king, one thing, one being only somethin I believe without seeing and with all my faith .. I pray somehow, someway, regardless of what anyone say, i believe one day that imma change my life, get right, start living like Christ, to the end of my fight, imma be defending my strife til somebody come and shut off my lights.. I aint never gonna quit, no matter how difficult it gon get." as the chorus said:

"I'm praying for help, asking somebody else to give me a hand, im trying hard but i am only a man.. man, im praying for help. Hoping somebody else could see what I see, its like the hood only matter to me. They got me praying for help. Hoping somebody else can carry the torch, im all alone with no kind of support.. while I was praying for help.. realized i dont need nobody else, if GOD with me I can do it myself.. tired of just praying for help."

I know what I do is unexplainable and unacceptable. Maybe I am desperate right about now, but you are teaching me about that too. I am learning your lessons, I just gotta pass the test when you give it to me. I promise to pass as I said in church on Sunday of this week. The sermon was God is Love, and if I love you,then I love my enemies. I forgive them. Maybe it was karma through all I have experienced. But you are Love and thats what I promote daily. You know that much. I have the angel wings on my back only to recieve my real ones in days time. But until then, I have these wings here to love my people. You gave me my first name for a reason, which means Peaceful Ruler and after a man, who promoted peace in the 1800s and was very successful.. and even gave us the same birthday. I don't want to disappoint you anymore. I am the next one you have chosen and I wanna be worthy. You are my strength, my life, my everything. Shine, Lord. Shine...